Already Fall Break

Life is not slowing down a bit!!! Summer went so fast, yet Fall is moving at break-neck speed too. It has been over 7 years now since I switched my career path and left the corporate world behind in favor of teaching Special Ed. It was a very big change from the bachelor's degree I had in Information Management. Although I have no regrets about the years I spent in film, nor in the corporate world, I am so much more gratified by working in education. Especially with the particular kids I work with. It is easy to see how quickly life will be over.

The group Five for Fighting sings a song called 100 Years.                     

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways 

To where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day...
 

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, 

There's never a wish 

Better than this
When you only got 

100 years to live

And  just like that...

WORK !!!

Wow! Did Summer even happen? It snuck past me before I had the chance to savor its precious moments. Which is sad, because I know they were there -I just missed them. I have become a full-blown room rat.

In my younger years, my parents couldn't keep me home with handcuffs, a ball and chain! My mom would say, "You're grounded." And I would reply, "I know" As I opened the front door with a smirky grin and walked out into freedom. There wasn't much that could tie me down or prevent me from living life at full speed ahead. I worked hard and played harder. I drove a sporty red Triumph Spitfire convertible that I paid for myself by going to work at 4 or 5 am before school each day, then right after school I would return to the sewing factory to earn more $ and worked til 7:00 each evening.

I started working as a very young child. I worked in the local farms picking cherries with my friends. Then my dad bought 23 acres across from our home and I spent years planting, weeding, watering, and harvesting 5 acres of tomatoes. We also had 5 acres of peaches that had to be pruned, sprayed, irrigated, thinned, and gently harvested. In addition, we had chickens, cows, sheep(bad idea), a goat(another bad idea!), a horse, a dog, and some cats (not pets- just mousers- me + cats = NO)

I always woke up each morning before the sun rose, ate my breakfast, and waited for enough light to leave the house and begin my assigned chores. I wanted all my chores done before 10am so that I could spend the rest of the day playing with my best childhood friend, Jacque. We played all day every day. My childhood truly was what I consider to be a perfect childhood.

JACQUE'S FAMILY
Katy, Wes, Jacque, and Ken

On Christmas mornings each year, my siblings and I would wake up extra early -as soon as Santa left our house ;-) and revel in our gifts while it was still dark. It took every ounce of control I could muster to wait until 9:00am to run over to Jacque's and start ringing her doorbell. Of course that woke up her entire family and I would drag them to their basement where they would begin unwrapping their gifts. 'Santa' had to wrap ALL of their presents because NOTHING would escape Jacque's ever inquisitive spirit. She would even carefully unwrap and re-wrap gifts in order to make her mom think she hadn't snooped. We got VERY worked up about Christmas. We got excited about EVERYTHING in life. We were going to do EVERYTHING and BE everything! We were sure we would conquer the world!!! We were the absolute OPPOSITE of lazy.

But for me, something happened. I really don't know what it was. Probably the combo of MANY things, but I have become a person that would prefer to never leave my room. I am usually ok once I am out and about, but getting there is SOO overwhelming that just the thought of it can do me in. I want my enthusiasm for life back! I don't want to grow old like this. It HAS to change or .......

The Human Race

Living in Utah County has presented many challenges to me through the years. When I was a young college student -so concerned with myself and sure the whole world revolved around me- I saw a culture that seemed cold, self-righteous, full of judgment and completely unbending. But over the years, there are things I have come to understand in a whole new light. And perhaps the most judgmental place in the valley sat squarely in MY heart.

I recently commented on a friends blog that Utah Valley seems to be one thing on the surface, but as you take the time to REALLY get to know someone -or show sincerity and wonder in your interactions with others, you will find unimaginable diversity here. Everyone has a story worth telling. Sometimes the most Molly of Moms can shock your shorts if you get to know their journey. Life is never as it appears on the surface of the glistening pond of humanity. And there is a LOT churning in some of the places least expected. Keep your eyes open and your heart will become swollen by the stories of those you pass every day. The trick is in the seeing -in the vulnerability and compassion you share that allows people to open up. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable and imperfect, people will come out from behind their masks and really show you who they are.

The LOCATION of my journey is not nearly as important as my individual response to those around me. I MUST push myself beyond my comfort zones and be willing to be authentic in my relationships with others. I have a multitude of flaws and imperfections. And now I am adding a layer of fear that seems to be cumulative as I age. I simply MUST push past my fears and replace that fear with faith. For ultimately, all fear is a form of Atheism, as it denotes a LACK of FAITH in GOD'S infinite wisdom. If the future is going to have any value to me and those I interact with, the burden of that VALUE lies squarely with me. For I determine my own attitudes, and those attitudes have an affect on those around me. MOST IMPORTANTLY MY FAMILY!

 I Must Become a

 Beacon of Light to my Family !

I don't want to be a worried old lady when I die! I prefer to become a beacon of light through which God can perform good works. I want to leave a legacy of living life with joy! It is simply time for me to change the course of my path, and move towards a powerful existence that reflects the Light of Christ. I want to be a force for good in the universe -not just one more speck of empty dust with nothing but a plastic shell. Time to step up.

Ancestors & Gratitude

Today is the 24th of July, which always causes me to reflect on my ancestors and the heredity I have been blessed with. This is a difficult post to write without watering my eyes. I have such vivid memories of childhood. I loved my grandparents very much -not because of anything they did really, just because of the connection I naturally felt to them. Family connection is something I have always felt deeply. I know it is difficult for people to read wordy blogs, so although I am tempted to write about each grandparent, my parents, my husband, and each of my children, today I will limit myself to write about an ancestor on my mothers side. My mother is Danish. A combination of Jensen and Christensen heritage. I will start with the beginnings as I know them. Much of this story is taken from the book "The Jensen Family Saga" by the children of Andrew S. and Caroline Jensen.

On April 8, 1830, Peter Mogensen (Americanized to Monsen) was born in Denmark. When he was a young man, he worked for a wealthy landowner by the name of Christian Nielson. Peter met Christian's daughter Dorthea Marie and fell in love with her. They were engaged to be married but about that same time, Peter was converted to the Mormon church and was baptized March 9, 1853. Soon after his baptism he baptized several members of his own family including his parents, his sister, and his fiance Dorthea Marie.

The young couple soon made plans to join the members of the church in Deseret, in the Mormon Territory far from Denmark in the Americas. As you can imagine, Dorthea Marie's parents did not want her to leave. If I put myself in their position and imagine never seeing my daughter again, it is hard to imagine the pain they must have been feeling. It is said that her father offered to will all of his vast properties if they would give up the idea of going with the Mormons and stay in Denmark. If they gave up his offer, however, they would get nothing. Their minds were made up; nothing could influence their decision to join the Saints. By now they were married with a baby named Christian.

They set sail for America with their baby son, Christian, on the vessel "John J. Boyd" on the 6th day of December 1855. There were 508 people in the company; 437 of them were Scandinavian Saints. The Voyage across the Atlantic brought many sad experiences of hardship. A dreadful disease broke out among the people, and many of them went to a watery grave, little Christian being one of them. This loss brought a deep heartbreak and sorrow to his parents, who had great hopes for this little soul. I can't imagine the pain of leaving my parents in Denmark knowing I would never see them again, and then losing my only child at sea. I imagine as a woman, that the only possible way to survive such a hardship would be through great faith in Jesus Christ and the Atonement. I would have to completely surrender myself to the knowledge that I would be reunited with those I love after this life is over. The Spirit would have to bear me up completely, and fill my soul with peace, because there is no possible way that I could bear such grief without faith in Christ, and the powerful gift of the Comforter.

These painful experiences served to strengthen my ancestors and gave them the strength they needed to endure the many trials of leaving a life of wealth and comfort, to face life as a pioneer -both crossing the plains and living the rugged and challenging life on the frontier. This is just one story in a pile of stories of my ancestors that each are a part of me. I am overcome with gratitude for those that came before me. They are examples of courage, integrity, ingenuity, determination, and an undying faith in the Lord.

I Still Miss My Dog

How can a grown woman become so attached to a little animal? I grew up on a small farm on the west perimeter of town in Brigham City. We were hard-working, industrious people. My daddy purchased that land with the express idea of teaching his children the kind of work ethic he believed in.

Our dogs were family pets, but if they caused trouble with the farm animals, they were taken out and shot. That is the way of the farm. So when my oldest son Aaron was around the age of 8 and started begging for a dog, I REALLY fought him on it. 

We had tried our hand at owning a dog once before when he was little. It was a Yellow Lab named Chopper. He was a nice dog, but he was big, and he shed, and we could not keep him fenced in. Our home was new, our yard was not yet finished, he barked if chained up, but I didn't like his hair in my house. Then I got pregnant with my 3rd child, Hailey, and for some reason I began to despise him. The sight of his hair or the smell of his body would set off my gag reflex and trigger the pregnant mommy vomit. He had to go. But by then My husband was too attached. 


Fortunately, Lady Luck was smiling down on me. We went on vacation for a few days and left a neighbor to care for Chopper. He escaped, and though we searched high and low, he could not be found. We checked the pound regularly, scouted neighborhoods, posted signs, -all to no avail. We moved on. I had my baby. 


Eight months after Chopper had disappeared, my husband left for work one morning, and 10 minutes later he returned. "Nettie!!!" he cried out, "Look who I found!!!" And there he is with that dog. I have to say I was less than enthusiastic. He had found the dog jogging with a man. Chopper was now Charlie (his real name had been Charlie Choplicker anyway so that was pretty amazing)and he ran with this man everyday. He was in prime condition. He was a happy dog. He slept on the man's bed. 


Within a week I made my husband give him back. We just were not set up to care for a large dog, and anyone that was observant could tell that the dog was not as happy with us as he had been with the other family. My husband was NOT happy.


So it was with great trepidation that I embarked on this hunt for a new dog that would be more suitable for our family. It had to be a small house-dog, it could not shed, it could not be a yapper, it had to be kid-friendly. After much research we settled on a Shih-Tzu, and set out to find the one for us. It took a few weeks, but we did manage to find him. 

We registered him with the AKC as 'Bilbo Bag In' and called him 'Bubby'. He was with us for more than 17 years. He raised my kids. He slept on the bottom of my bed. He was in every family photo we took for 17 years. If I cried, he cried with me. When Dave spent 8 years caring for his mom, Bubby was my companion. In the end, I knew his time was near, but letting go was SO hard! I wanted to be sure that he was no longer enjoying life -that I wasn't putting him down just because he was soiling my floors and 'inconvenient' for me.

Domesticated companion dogs have absolutely the most exemplary personalities when it comes to exhibiting unconditional love. I am so grateful for the 17 years of love that he gave me -no matter if I was grumpy and mean to him or not. In the end, I awoke one morning to find him on the floor in the throes of a death rattle. Dave and I bundled him up and took him to the vet where they anesthetized him as I held him in my arms and he kept his eyes open, staring at me -his momma, his best friend.

If you are not someone that has ever connected with a companion animal on that level, then this seems like silly drivel to you, but if you have ever been fortunate enough to have an animal love you the way my Bubby loved me, then you know. And every time Sarah McLachlan sings while the TV shows the pitiful pictures of abused animals I feel that lump rising up in my throat, and I know that Bubby left a mark on me that nothing can erase.

Summer

Summer. The 4th of July holiday has come and gone, and with it a fear is setting in that summer will be gone before I have had the chance to find a rhythm. Being a schoolteacher has many inherent rewards. The first and by far the most rewarding is that of making a difference in the life of a child. I try very hard to remember each day that the children I serve are God's children, and there is a chance that I may be the only one in their life that is kind to them that day. I LOVE to work with the kids.


Another benefit is that my hours are basically the same as the hours I had as a child attending school. The holidays and weekends are spent with my family. I am home pretty early each day (though I often spend hours after work at home on the computer). There is that familiar rhythm of holidays and seasons that are the underlying fabric of school culture.


But summer, now that my children are grown, has become a challenge for me. There is plenty that I SHOULD get done, but not much that I WANT to do. I feel lazy. I lack motivation. MOST days I avoid even looking at my email! I am officially a slug.


So, what I WANT is to have a friend that will hike or go rock-climbing with me. I want to be fit, but I want to PLAY to become healthy. I don't want to just go to the gym or do mundane exercises. I want adventure. Why did everyone grow up?

Catching a Link

My roller coaster has inched ever so slowly forward, but I hear the familiar 'clink' and know that the car I am riding in has caught the link, and the ascent begins anew. Life simply marches forward. On the same day I am planning to visit my friend's comatose son for the first time, another friend's daughter has her first baby. A beautiful little girl. And I know that the circle of life marches forward.


Life is so filled with joy, victory, triumph over trials -and yet, the times of trial and sorrow are inevitable. But today, an angel kept my baby girl alive when the bolts sheared off one wheel of the car she was driving, and she could tell something was wrong, so she pulled over thinking she had a flat, checked the tires, felt that they were all full, got back in the car, but just felt that she should not drive. Something told her to check again. So she got out and checked to see if the lug nuts were tight.


When she came to one of the wheels, ALL of the lug nuts were gone. Dave left work and went to help her. She was at 12300 S in Salt Lake heading North. When he jacked up the car, the wheel simply fell off. The bolts were all sheared clean off except for one, which had about a 1/2 inch nub left on it. We have no idea how that wheel was still on the car, or how she was able to safely navigate off the freeway into the emergency lane. I am grateful that Hailey was in tune with the Spirit enough to know that something was wrong, and then act on it. We love you Hailey.

 

Devastated

The roller coaster we call life blazes on, accelerating ever faster as I age. Being an adrenaline junkie by nature, I should consider this good, however, I must say that there are some twists and turns in the area I consider rock bottom, that leave me so completely empty -heaving with pain, eyes filled with that familiar empty sting -dry, unable to shed another tear.


An empty, almost comfortable numbness begins to settle in. Like fog that erases you. And the numbness protects me somehow. I push reality farther away, and the peace of the fetal position cradles me -both body, and soul. And somehow the healing begins and the roller coaster catches the next link to urge me on. Wake me up. Refresh me. Remind me that I do indeed still enjoy breathing.


But for today, I will mourn. Because today I was told that a friend whom I truly love, has a son in a coma because of a drug overdose. My eyes sting. My heart aches. My soul calls out to God. And I know that the truth is, it could just as easily be my own son ..... or me

Life Is Good

Today I am happy. Not just for one reason, but for many. For one thing, I have been working for the past 2 years on getting my Utah Elementary Mathematics Endorsement (UEME), and Friday will be the final day of class! I am happy and relieved that it will be over because it has been so much work. I don't often allow myself to go anywhere and play because I usually have homework to do and am never fully caught up. But there is a part of me that is sad, because I will miss the association of some incredible people.

My teacher and mentor over the past 2 years has been Dr. Eula Monroe. She is a truly amazing woman. She has worked at BYU for the past 17 years, and I am blessed to have had her in my life. She is from Kentucky and she is a Baptist, so you can imagine that working at BYU could be a challenge. I did not know her 17 years ago, so I do not know what it was like for her back then, but I can tell you that the woman, as I know her now, is up to the challenge.

You can be sure that there have been many obstacles for her to overcome, and many people become soured by their experiences dealing with the bureaucracy that exists -not just there, but at ANY sizable institution of learning. The extra layer of being an outsider in a religious learning institution could have served as a mountain that was just too steep to climb, but not for Dr. Eula Monroe.
She has shown me how to be an example of scholarly excellence, and positive attitudes -even against the odds.

Moving On

Sometimes there are things that happen in our lives that simply knock us off our feet. We are blown away by our utter disappointment in the people we have allowed into our lives---not just a neighbor or a good friend, but someone you feel proud to call your daughter.  The betrayal cuts so deep that at times I have not been sure I will rise above the pain, but my son has shown a resilience that gives me hope and makes me believe that in the end, we will all be better for the loss. My daughter Hailey has lost her sister, my husband and I have lost our daughter, and my son has lost his wife.

Initially I dropped out of my graduate math courses, but my son --the one that should be the most distraught of all-- said firmly to me. "MOM! I'm not dropping out of school, and if I can keep it together, then YOU can do it too! I NEED strong people around me right now. PLEASE, contact your professor immediately and get back into your courses! We are NOT week people, and we will NOT let her actions destroy us!"

He is talented, intellectually gifted, and hard working.

On top of that, he loves his mama!

I can tell you that I have had many difficult days, however, I am so proud of my son for continuing with his full-time job, his full-time class load where he is pulling straight A's, and his work on his gorgeous bachelor pad in the spare moments in-between that load. I suppose there are girls out there without the self-esteem to handle a hard-working man, but for me, and the way I was brought up, there is nothing more admirable than an intelligent, talented, hard-working man. You go Brady! A real woman is going to set her eyes on your sexy work ethic and never let go!!!

my parents in their 70's

That is the kind of man my Daddy is, and when he came home from the war his weak-willed wife had left him for another man -and what she thought was the 'easy way out.' Twenty years later (my parents would have been about 40 years old at this time) she came to formally repent directly to my Daddy for her sins. I still remember my Momma's intimidation as she fearfully anticipated that dreaded evening. The woman my mom remembered was a beauty, and mom was more than a little intimidated and a bit haunted by her memory.

By that time, my Daddy was an Aeronautical Engineer and the Bishop of our ward. My mom was a 5' 8" striking beauty with a gorgeous smile. All of us kids were prepared for a beauty queen to arrive at our house, so you can imagine our surprise when a fairly heavy woman in a 'moo-moo' arrived to express her sincere apologies to my ever handsome daddy for her past sins and the pain she had caused him to suffer for so many years.

 

my mom deep in thought earlier this year,

and still beautiful at 77!

Did I mention how grateful I am that the first woman was WEAK WEAK WEAK!!!
I thank God every day that  I  got my momma's brilliant gene pool! And YES, God IS at the helm, and I continually thank him for unanswered prayers! 

Some of the lessons I have learned are to love my family MORE!
My eldest son Aaron and his beautiful wife Serod live nearby, and I need to nurture my relationship with them even more. Look how beautiful they are together! I find myself grateful for their simple fights, because their relationship is authentic!

 

Aaron and Serod

And I appreciate the close relationship that I have with my baby girl Hailey, and I'm grateful she has lived her freshman year of college at home. I am grateful for EVERY second that God grants me to spend with this amazing family of mine, and look forward to the years that lay ahead of us -whatever they may bring! With the love of each other and the help of our Heavenly Father, there is nothing we cannot endure.

 

Hailey at age 14 representing the 

State of Utah as the Teen

winner at Internationals along 

with Utah's Tiny Tot Ashlyn

Me and my man since 1983,

Dave Kern -a talented, kind, and

industrious man with a heart of

pure gold. A true gift from God.

In the end, it is not our trials, but our ability to pull together, LOVE one another, trust God, and put one foot in front of the other!!!

To my friends and family, I renew myself to being a better wife, mother and friend. When it comes to my friends, I TRULY have the most amazing friends imaginable. You have seen me through a lifetime of both joys and sorrows. We live, love, and grieve together, and share both life's joys and disappointments. I love each of you. I could not endure life without you. 

And to my family, how does one woman warrant such blessings from God? I married the kindest man in existence that continues to love me even when I am not very lovable. On top of that, I grew up in an amazing family, and have continued to live a charmed life with children that fill my heart with joy and fulfillment. Even when things are tough, my love NEVER wavers. No matter the course that your lives may take, I will ALWAYS love you. I truly love each of you and count myself a blessed woman!